


The Ultimate Maid’s Guide to Managing Fourteen Children and Your Chaotic Significant Other

by deltanox



Series: Hope's Peak Adventures: Hijinks Galore [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Hope's Peak Academy (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Class 78 and 77 are referenced slightly but do not make large appearances for the most part, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Fanart, Gen, Guides, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hope's Peak Academy, Humor, Iruma Miu Being Iruma Miu, Iruma Miu's Dirty Mouth, M/M, Remember the notebook Kirumi pulls out of nowhere?, Spoilers, The Goshi is super lowkey, how to survive class 79 101, yeah this is it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25125253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deltanox/pseuds/deltanox
Summary: This guide has been organized in terms of increasing difficulty for your convenience. If you are reading this, it means that you have found yourself as the successor of Hope’s Peak Academy’s “Ultimate Maid” title. My congratulations on your acceptance... but I must also offer my sincerest apologies.Remember the notebook Kirumi whips out of nowhere to take down notes as to what everyone's preferences are? Well in the HPA AU...Contains bad memes and self-drawn fanart visuals to accompany the guide. You have been warned... so sit back, enjoy the chaos, and if you want, watch my art evolve throughout the process of this guide.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede & Tojo Kirumi, Akamatsu Kaede/Iruma Miu, Amami Rantaro & Oma Kokichi, Amami Rantaro & Shirogane Tsumugi, Amami Rantaro & Tojo Kirumi, Chabashira Tenko & Tojo Kirumi, Chabashira Tenko & Yonaga Angie, Chabashira Tenko & Yonaga Angie & Yumeno Himiko, Chabashira Tenko & Yumeno Himiko, Chabashira Tenko/Yumeno Himiko, Gokuhara Gonta & Hoshi Ryoma, Gokuhara Gonta & Shinguji Korekiyo, Gokuhara Gonta & Tanaka Gundham, Gokuhara Gonta & Tojo Kirumi, Gokuhara Gonta/Hoshi Ryoma, Harukawa Maki & Tojo Kirumi, Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito, Hoshi Ryoma & Tojo Kirumi, Iruma Miu & K1-B0, K1-B0 & Tojo Kirumi, Momota Kaito & Oma Kokichi, Momota Kaito & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi & Tojo Kirumi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Saihara Shuichi & Shinguji Korekiyo, Saihara Shuichi & Tojo Kirumi, Saihara Shuichi & Yumeno Himiko, Shinguji Korekiyo & Rantaro Amami, Shinguji Korekiyo & Yonaga Angie, Shinguji Korekiyo/Tojo Kirumi, Shirogane Tsumugi & Tojo Kirumi, Tojo Kirumi & Yonaga Angie, Tojo Kirumi & Yumeno Himiko
Series: Hope's Peak Adventures: Hijinks Galore [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845985
Comments: 141
Kudos: 321





	1. Introduction: Acting the Part

**Author's Note:**

> Solid maybe on the number of chapters, but I think I've more or less calculated correctly. Thank you to my fellow enablers, and a gentle reminder that there are spoilers for the games in this fic.

##  **Introduction: Acting the Part**

If you are reading this, it means that you have found yourself as the successor of Hope’s Peak Academy’s “Ultimate Maid” title. My congratulations on your acceptance...but I must also offer my sincerest apologies. You see, not only does your new role encompass the standard duties of a maid such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry, but I have found from personal experience that you have also been unfortunately nominated as the “class mother.” Despite your best attempts to protest, you will undoubtedly be shot down, so below, I have written some pointers that you will find most helpful to preserve your mental health with.

First and foremost:

**1) Accept your fate.**

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to stop the inevitable chaos that will follow as your “children” embark on their four year journey at Hope’s Peak Academy. Hence, the most optimal solution that will save you four years of grief is to accept your fate, and responsibility as their mother early on in your first year. 

**2) Maintain your composure.**

As the Ultimate Maid, you will constantly be put into rather unpleasant, awkward, strange, or some combination of all three scenarios by your classmates such as:

  * Being requested to dress up as a French maid for “research” by the Ultimate Cook.
    * Subsequently receiving the comment “draw me like one of your French girls” after said request.
    * Subsequently being asked if you can wear a blindfold, sheer stockings, black thigh-high boots, and a rather short, revealing black dress by your Ultimate Cosplayer. 
      * Something mentioned about “3C….?”
  * Being asked if you can help tie up one of your classmates.
  * Breaking up a squabble involving light-up vibrating swords about whether “all women are ‘queens,’” and “if she breathes, she’s a ‘thot’” while you attempt to shush the obscene moans from the sidelines of the argument.
  * Being _begged while on all fours_ to help make an alibi for a petty crime they are guilty of that the resident Ultimate Detective is investigating.
    * Alternatively, being bribed with “BDSM kink magazines” when you decline.
  * Being the target of varying crude “MILF” jokes both in person and online in your class group chat.
    * Nicknames such as "Kirumom," "Kirumilf," “Miss Broomstick Up Her Ass,” and "Fuckin' Prude Ass Bitch" have unfortunately been bestowed upon me.
    * Do not let them faze you, but be stern in your disapproval. 
    * You have your dignity.
  * Demands to call you “Mommy, but like for ‘realsies.’”
    * See above.
  * Recruited to help set up a ritual to transfer the lost soul of a child into the almighty Mecha-Furby Overlord.
    * Do not question your classmates’ religious and academic interests. It is far more advisable to complete your task silently.
      * Judge later, duties first.
  * Being requested for _your breast milk to drink of all things._
    * **Do:** politely inform your prospective client that you would be happy to offer alternative beverage options and admonish them sternly.
    * **Do Not:** Pick up said “child” and dump them into the lockable garbage disposal or incinerator like the trash they are. 
      * You may dream, but do not act upon them.
      * Should you feel particularly vengeful, you may “accidentally” hang them by their clothing on the laundry line outside for a few hours.



As undoubtedly _infuriated or mortified_ as some of these requests may make you, _you are the Ultimate Maid_ . And you do not express such emotions most unbefitting of someone in your position; therefore, it is your duty to remain calm and collected, even in the face of certain peril, or in these circumstances, _certain idiocy._

**3) Remain impartial.**

Your duty—no, desire—as a maid is to complete tasks. It is this selfless devotion that you retain that keeps you motivated to wake up each day, ready to serve your peers, “children,” and superiors no matter how tired you may be feeling. As such, it is essential for you to remain impartial in the squabbles that will undoubtedly occur throughout your daily life, because you have no business expressing your opinions while carrying duties out. No matter how you may be feeling on the inside, it is your duty to effortlessly complete requests equally, regardless of whoever the person is and their relations or feelings towards others. Stoicism will go a long way. 

**4) Retain your self respect.**

As a follow-up to the third tip, while it is true that you are a servant, to be a servant means to respectfully attend to the whims of your master, but to also _respect yourself_ . You have your dignity. With your wide range of capabilities, there is no doubt that you can perform your chosen duties well, but please, do set firm boundaries for yourself on which tasks you will and will not agree to do. Whether you let your classmates know ahead of time or keep these restrictions in mind when accepting requests is up to you, but remember: _a maid is willing and accommodating of others, not a pushover._

**5) Uphold the Maid Mindset.**

Over the centuries that maids have existed for, in spite of core duties remaining stagnant, other duties we are recruited for change over time with modernization. For example, in these contemporary times, you may have been offered many a high-profile request such as:

  * The safe retrieval of a princess from a strange reptilian creature overseas.
  * Acting as the secretary of the CEO of wealthy conglomerate company “R & C International.” 
  * Being requested by a British Earl to work as a maid at his manor alongside an _oddly_ capable butler.
  * Orders to destroy battle machinery that have invaded a neighboring planet.
  * Escorting the Ultimate Fashionista covertly to her next photoshoot.
  * Infiltrating and taking down the lair of an infamous Japanese crime lord who has taken the daughter of a businessman hostage.
  * Assisting said former crime lord in their refurbished butler and maid enterprise.
  * Masterminding a killing game from a well-known game show company.
  * To run the _entire country_ of Japan as the Prime Minister.



Of course, whether you choose to take on such tasks (I highly encourage you to do so, however) is up to you, but it is vital that when you accept them, you know _exactly_ what you are getting yourself into, and will _wholeheartedly devote_ yourself to the responsibility, because it is your _true desire to be relied on_ . Please _do_ recall that you should continue to leave your personal feelings out of these matters as you would with smaller tasks— _if not more,_ as you are a representative of not only yourself, but _also_ Hope’s Peak Academy. To fall from grace during your mission would only disgrace the gracious academy admin who have taken it upon themselves to accept you and enable you to hone your skills. Some may find it reprehensible, but I find that along the years, you will become highly efficient at _repressing_ your true emotions during your career. A necessary evil, indeed.

Furthermore, with the aforementioned changing requirements in skills, I advise you to spend what little spare time you have during schooling to continue broadening your horizons, and to gain exposure in serving the various Ultimates around campus. Only at Hope’s Peak Academy will you find such a diverse group of potential masters, and you would be wise to take advantage of their varied specialties.

To not uphold the “maid mindset” would leave you no better than a stray maid. After all, what use to society is a maid with no master? 

**6) Consider collaborating with the designated paternal figure.**

I am largely undecided whether I have decided that this is a “good thing,”as I personally view it as somewhat disrespectful to my identity as a maid, but I will not deny its benefits. As the needier and more mischievous members of your class have deemed you their class “mother,” it is inevitable that they will also nominate a class “father,” and proceed to try everything in their power to get the two of you together so they can have “parents, but for realsies!” _Especially_ if you two do not dislike the other’s company, and your class happens to contain an Ultimate Cosplayer, who _can_ and _will_ create a massive “ship list” containing ideal pairings of you and your various classmates.

However. Depending on your work style, you may find partnering up with said paternal figure an efficient way to ease the responsibility of disciplining your unruly “children” for their rather irritating actions, especially if they appear to exhibit the following traits on this checklist:

  * Mildly sadistic traits.
  * Appear to have an intimidating, unnerving aura.
  * Possesses the odd ability to seemingly materialize out of nowhere behind a person.
  * Refuses to cease speaking of the wonders of humanity.
  * Has the capacity to bore an entire audience to sleep with a lecture on global cultures.
    * But just as easily can captivate others by regaling them with folklore tales. 
    * Useful to scare and distract your classmates, respectively.
  * Rather eccentric interests and an _interesting_ definition of what constitutes "true beauty."
  * May or may not be a part-time stalker with a seemingly omniscient presence.
  * (Unfortunately) responds to the nicknames such as "Rope Dad," "Kinky Fucker," and "Stick Dick."
  * Possesses an odd signature laugh along the lines of “kehehe,” or “kukuku.”
  * Do note if they also carry a masochistic streak as well, for the designated paternal figure is not exempt from a stern talking to or knock on the head, but such actions would be quite useless against them.



Should you genuinely express interest in said “father,” you would, as they say, “have played yourself.” A heartfelt congratulations to you. As the Ultimate Maid, you should truly know better than to fall prey to romantic relationships, as they would only serve to impede valuable time that could be spent throughout the day assisting others. 

~~However if you truly are very keen on the relationship, or find yourself reciprocating their charms more than you would like to admit, do let your partner know of the responsibilities that your title comes with, and ensure that they respect your duties throughout the day. I will admit it is comforting at times to be able to retire with someone whose company you value about after a long day. Please be wise about your choice in significant other, as in the end I cannot stop you, or myself evidently.~~

**7) Invest in a good broom.**

Lastly, do invest in a good broom. You will find that a high-quality mahogany broom, rimmed with a stainless steel coat, the ability to extend, and a changeable tip (you can consult the local Ultimate Inventor for such a modification) makes for not only an effective clean of the room, but also has multiple purposes such as:

  * Shanking your disobedient “children” when they become too rowdy.
    * Exercise your strength at your discretion.
    * Some of them will...enjoy the experience a little _too_ much than what is deemed normal for a human. 
    * Employ another manner of punishment _immediately_ before lewd sounds begin. 
  * Used to comfort a student who you do not terribly wish to get too close to due to their volatile nature.
    * Patting them on the back with the broom while saying the words "There, there," should do nicely.
    * Stand 7 feet away.
    * Better yet, 10, and use your modified broom’s extension function.
  * A most useful blunt-force trauma weapon during dire circumstances.
    * Can also be thrown like a javelin if you need to hit a long-distance target.
    * Please do not accidentally hit your token vertically challenged student. 
    * Such a feat is nothing for the Ultimate Maid. 
    * Consult your Ultimate Inventor for aerodynamic modifications.
  * Being used as a decoy for the Ultimate Astronaut in the rare circumstance that the Ultimate Assassin is incredibly drunk and insists on clinging onto said astronaut.
    * If any of your classmates happens to have an attraction to another who has a seemingly gravity-defying hairstyle, this decoy strategy will work as well.
    * I believe one of my classmates has affectionately dubbed the broom "Broomota." 
  * A distraction for when you wrangle the resident Ultimate Magician who is _blazed_ out of their mind and insists on riding on your broom “...jjjjust liiiike Harriet...nyehh...Puuuutter did on TV...” 
    * Duplicates of your broom may be worth considering, or disposable copies.
    * Please do not allow the rest of your "children" to delude the magician into thinking they truly can fly, as they can and will face-plant into the ground immediately while the others laugh at their failure.
  * Cleaning the narrow spaces in the academy’s dusty vents on the offhand chance that they are not _suspiciously_ clean from...activities occurring from your local cryptid(s).
    * Yes, you may have multiple cryptid “children.” I find more often than not, despite their strange eccentricities, they tend to be some of the more agreeable “children.”
    * Key word: "more" agreeable. More does not always equate always, especially when you are comparing them to your peers.
  * Attempting to sweep away your sins under the rug.
    * You can try all you want, but you will not succeed, no matter how much you sweep. 
    * At least the floor will be spotless. 
    * Well done.



* * *

In conclusion, if you do not think you are capable of the weighty burden you will undoubtedly bear for the next four years of your life or following these seven _very_ simple steps, do yourself a massive favor, place this book down promptly, and consider transferring schools _immediately._ For the sake of preserving your sanity. 

However, if you do think yourself capable of holding your own as the Ultimate Maid, by all means, please do not put down this book, and continue to read my personal annotations of the tendencies of my “children,” as your class will inevitably include a wide variety of personalities, of which each require their own methods to handle. 

I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Best,

Kirumi Tojo, Ultimate Maid of Class 79


	2. Guide Index

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have provided an index for you of my class in order of increasing difficulty along with a few general notes.

#  **Section 1: Jumping Spiders (5)**

**General Statistics:**

  * Alias: The Sanity Restorers
  * Number of Students: 5
  * Difficulty to Handle: ★ to ★★
  * Reasonability of Requests: ★★★★★
  * Threat to the Academy: ★ to ★★
  * Threat to Sanity: ★



**Commentary:**

  * Overall, these students are very pleasant and polite to interact with, and largely do not attempt to make your career particularly difficult. If anything, these relatively harmless individuals try their best to help ease burdens (how adorable) with their considerate or easygoing natures. 
  * Often times are useful to act as mediators when a squabble has occurred, or may be of use to accompany students from other sections who cannot be trusted to complete _simple_ tasks by themselves. 



**Students:**

  * __Misumena vatia, Hogna carolinensis, Menemerus bivittatus, Salticus scenicus, Theraphosa blondi__

* * *




#  **Section 2: Wolf Spiders (4)**

**General Statistics:**

  * Alias: The Enablers and Protectors
  * Number of Students: 4
  * Difficulty to Handle: ★★ to ★★★
  * Reasonability of Requests: ★★★ to ★★★★
  * Threat to the Academy: ★★★ (but ★★★★ if paired with a student from Section 3)
  * Threat to Sanity: ★★★



**Commentary:**

  * Due to the company they attract or how certain... aspects of them can be provoked, I have placed these students into the second section, as they seem to enable less savory actions of the students in Section 3, both knowingly and unknowingly. 
  * A majority of these students mean well, but it is indeed most unfortunate that wherever one (or multiple) goes, trouble in the form of Section 3 follows.
  * However, these students do have their uses at times, seeing as their more sociable or extroverted nature can be employed should Section 3 students require multi-person discipline. 



**Students:**

  * __T8X, Peucetia viridans, Celaenia excavata, Avicularia purpurea, Lycosa hispanica__



* * *

#  **Section 3: Violin Spiders (4)**

**General Statistics:**

  * Alias: The Troublemakers and Headache Generators
  * Number of Students: 4
  * Difficulty to Handle: ★★★★★
  * Reasonability of Requests: ★★★ to ★ 
  * Threat to the Academy: ★★★★★ 
  * Threat to Sanity: _Off the charts._



**Commentary: **

  * The most… difficult of my classmates, for varying reasons.
  * Characterized by unreasonable, outlandish requests and being linked to at least one act of mayhem a day, all three members of our infamous “Trouble Trio” occupy this section.
  * For good reason, as they are the root of much of our daily chaos. 
  * Strangely enough, the most agreeable one happens to be the most aggressive.
  * However, due to the inevitable chaos that follows with the aforementioned student and their ill-tempered reactions elicited, they have been placed here. 



**Students:**

  * _Theridion grallator, Latridectrus bishopi, Grammostola rosea, Synemosyna formica_



* * *

#  **Section 4: The Pholcidae (1)**

**General Statistics:**

  * Alias: Aforementioned Resident Paternal Figure, also known as my significant other.
  * Number of Students: 1
  * Difficulty to Handle: Anywhere from ★ to ★★★★★
  * Reasonability of Requests: Anywhere from ★★★★★ to ★★
  * Threat to the Academy: ★★★
  * Threat to Sanity: ★★★★★, but ★★ on a good day. 
    * Which can be somewhat rare for me.



**Commentary:**

  * …………



**Student:** _You are well aware who he is._

\- K. Tojo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points if you can guess who is what or why I chose them as that particular spider before I post their chapter :') I won't confirm or deny anything, though...


	3. 1.1: Misumena Vatia

##  _Chapter 1: Misumena Vatia_

**Alias: Kaede Akamatsu**

**Preferred Name:** Kaede

**Agility: ★ ★**

**Defense: ★**

**Charisma: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★**

**Difficulty to Handle: ★**

**Reasonability of Requests: ★★★★★**

**Threat to the Academy: ★**

**Threat to Sanity: ★**

**Usual Locations:** Ultimate Pianist, Detective, Inventor’s Talent Labs, Hope’s Peak Academy Music Library, Performing Arts Center, Recording Studio

 **Commentary:** Prefers fluffy pillows, cute animals, and coffee with creamer and milk. Dislikes bicycles. 

Without a doubt, Akamatsu is the easiest student to handle in Class 79, as to this day, she remains one of the most considerate individuals I have met in my career. With her natural charisma, incredible talent on the piano, and knack for bringing out the best in our classmates, Akamatsu is a model student that many at Hope’s Peak Academy strive to emulate. However, Akamatsu is not without her troubles at times, and it is of course my duty to help her out in the issues she faces such as the following. Accompanied are some pointers to keep in mind when aiding her: 

* * *

**Problem: At times, Akamatsu will complain about "getting musician’s block” when she is composing a new song, and will grow frustrated about a lack of progress.**

**Do:** Ask if she would like you to retrieve books or sheet music from the academy’s music library. You may also offer to retrieve Mioda or Maizono for their input, given their musical talent. 

**Do Not:** Offer to retrieve Kuwata. The Ultimate Baseball Player means well, but unfortunately as of the moment he is not a professional in the musical field and his input may not align with Akamatsu’s vision. Perhaps with Mioda or Maizono...seeing as the last time this suggestion was brought up, a rather unfortunate incident involving a guitar, Mioda, bloody ears, Iruma’s newest invention, a baseball bat, and shattering glass occurred. Additionally, unless explicitly requested by Akamatsu, do not offer to provide your personal opinion on the music, no matter how pleasing to the ear it may sound. As I have stated numerous times, as the Ultimate Maid, you have no desires of your own except to serve. 

**Problem:** **Akamatsu's** **piano requires re-tuning in a short amount of time for an upcoming performance.**

 **Do:** Politely ask if there is anything you can do to the best of your abilities. Of course, since you are not a pianist, you will not be able to fix the piano as well as a professional would be able to, but since most of the re-tuning is caused by petty pranks Ouma has hidden in the instrument, I would advise that you inspect the piano for simple potential tweaks the Supreme Leader has made. For more elaborate tricks, Mioda would be the appropriate person to consult, as she is the Ultimate Musician. However, do note that Mioda is friendly with Ouma, and may have (inadvertently) given him pointers on tuning the piano.

 **Do Not:** As tempting as it may appear to be, do not offer to retrieve Iruma, as this is but a last resort. While the problem does inevitably get solved, the method in which the Ultimate Inventor goes about tackling the issue at hand can be rather...unorthodox, and more often than not, results in crude jokes, explosions, and ungodly moans over the nearest vaguely mechanical-appearing or number-displaying object. I have a strong suspicion that she is aroused by numbers. 

**Problem: Ever the considerable class representative, Akamatsu is known to constantly fret over whether she is being too pushy towards our less sociable classmates.**

**Do:** Immediately offer her your counseling services and sit down to talk about what is stressing Akamatsu. As she is incredibly compassionate and eager to bond with her classmates, it is only natural that this “in-your-face” approach she takes towards getting to know them may cause our more antisocial classmates to shy away from her boldness due to being accustomed to such interactions. Suggestions of how she can continue to support them without intruding significantly into their personal space is ideal (such as allowing them to have a choice in a decision) as in the end, I firmly believe our classmates know Akamatsu, while headstrong, means well. 

**Consider:** Depending on the circumstance, retrieving Iruma may or may not be a good idea. Despite what one may initially suspect, Iruma cares greatly for her girlfriend, and while she speaks bluntly (and crassly) she will do anything in her power to comfort Akamatsu. However, if it appears that said situation requires more… delicate phrasing, the Inventor may accidentally trigger an intense emotional response. Tread with caution.

 **Do Not:** Make comments that may be too polarizing or blunt. Frankly, this point is more common sense than anything else, as when Akamatsu is in distress, she tends to let her emotions get the better of her, and poorly worded comments could worsen her mood. Be gentle, and only be more blunt should she specifically request for honesty. I have repeated myself many times, but to reiterate: as the Ultimate Maid, your job is to remain impartial, despite what you may feel about the situation.

**Problem: The pianist is currently suffering from hand and finger cramps from overexertion while playing more strenuous pieces on the piano.**

**Do:** Ask if she would like in a hand massage to ease the stress, or offer a warm pack to soothe the muscles if they are tight. Employ ice for soreness or tenderness, and offer to ask Chabashira for ways she can stretch the muscles in her arm and hands. If Akamatsu has been playing for extended periods of time, strongly advise her to take a break, and if requested by another classmate, you may use as much force as you deem necessary for her to stop. 

**Do Not:** Allow her to use her ridiculously pleasant smile and bat her eyelashes at you to try to get out of your (and Saihara’s) concern as to “not trouble you.” Ignoring these cramps is bound to result in nothing but regret and pain subsequently down the line. Much as how you will as well if you do not accept your fate as class “mother” early on. 

**Problem: Ensuring that her girlfriend does not get herself blown up and killed with her inventions, detonate the entire wing of the Class 79 dormitory in the Academy, or get “roasted” too badly both in person and in the class chat.**

**Do:** Attempt to track down the unruly Iruma before said explosion occurs and return her to Akamatsu. At least before the chain of explosions begins, I have found that containing the first detonation is nigh impossible, and has become a part of daily life at Hope’s Peak Academy. Exercise caution while approaching the Inventor, as she can and will barrage you with a string of crass words, inappropriate creations, and vulgar phrases. Of course, you will be numb to such diction as time goes on, but prepare your extendable broom for this circumstance and your best stern “motherly” face, and the situation should _will_ deescalate. Hopefully. 

In regards to de escalating the rather common occurrence of everyone ganging up to “roast the everloving shit out of the gorgeous girl genius” (in her own words) there is unfortunately not much that can be done. In the event Akamatsu requests you to personally step in, I would recommend only speaking up sternly if the words of our classmates become a tad too harsh. Admittedly, I am not sure of the exact tolerance Iruma has for insults, because she has the unfortunate habit of enjoying your chastisement much more than what is deemed normal. Nevertheless, for a rather curious reason (perhaps your “title”) the class appears to cease berating the girl once you step in. The perks of having the label of class “mother,” I suppose… 

**Do Not:** Allow Gokuhara to get involved in the situation. There are few things that our class holds as beings of sanctity, but Gokuhara is one of those. For the love of Yonaga’s god, do _not_ allow Ouma to trick the entomologist either, because heaven knows how the universe would implode if Gokuhara was to accidentally encounter one of Iruma’s inventions for the sake of some petty amusement. Furthermore, as well-meaning as Kiibo appears, it is not advisable for the Ultimate Robot to get involved, as Iruma appears to exhibit rather inappropriate behavior around him, and this would only exacerbate the problem given her odd… penchant for numbers and electronics. 

On the flipside, while rare, Akamatsu does have a few tendencies that may be of mild concern or irritation to others. The following are issues that I, or others have run into when interacting with her.

**Problem: Along with Chabashira, requesting me to “please step on us” while gazing up at me with starry eyes.**

**Do:** Admittedly, I initially was quite puzzled as to why they would want me to step on their bodies with shoes that are undoubtedly dirty and should not be in contact with clean clothes. Upon Shinguji informing me that the phrase “step on me” is modern slang for finding someone attractive enough to be honored by said display of ‘dominance,’ respectfully decline and cite the above reason. Why on anyone would truly wish for such a request is beyond me...

 **Do Not:** Take their request at face value and _actually step on them_. If I am not mistaken, the Ultimate Maid’s uniform includes two to three inch heels, of which may be slightly thicker stilettos, which would clearly cause a significant amount of pain regardless of pressure. Come to think of it, Iruma would most likely make a crude comment...

 **Follow-Up Problem:** In the event that they insist that you still “step on them” because they would thank you, I believe it is best to politely excuse yourself and vacate the premises. Pray they do not follow you. If Yumeno is nearby, do walk in her direction as Chabashira tends to be distracted by her girlfriend rather easily. If they do, walk briskly (but do not run) as if you were being chased by crowds of disapproving Japanese citizens waving signs at you for resignation. 

**Problem: Ouma frequently (hypocritically) complains to me that Akamatsu and Iruma are “being gay, right in front of my spaghetti. Is that even allowed in this house?????”**

**Do** : Remind Ouma that he and Saihara frequently express public displays of affection at the dinner table in front of our other classmates. Seeing as Iruma and Akamatsu for the (most) part remain largely respectful in keeping their more… amorous actions away from our eyes, I believe that it is of no issue for them to exchange a small peck every now and then.

 **Do Not:** As they say, “roast” Ouma for his hypocrisy. As irritating as it may be when you are trying to serve everyone’s meals, please keep your composure; this is far from your place to intervene. Iruma and/or Akamatsu will gladly retort sharply, the latter depending on her stress level. Do note that Iruma (and surprisingly... Akamatsu as well) may respond to said statement by being “even more gay” in front of the class out of spite to “assert their dominance as the number one gay couple.” Please try to control the situation before someone inevitably loses their appetite from one of Ouma or Iruma’s words and/or actions if it is not quelled, as the two frequently refuse to back down. 

**Follow-Up Problem:** Chabashira may jump into the fray to “assert her and Yumeno’s dominance as the _original_ couple.” Please simply restrain everyone involved before the table and a few male members of our class are flipped, resulting in a waste of food, bruises, and screeches of pain. You may find it worthwhile to have the resident parental figure aid you in this case.

**Problem: Akamatsu is not without her more mischievous moments at times, and has been known to invite students into her Talent Lab for an informal concert, which initially appears innocuous. However, I have received numerous complaints from students such as Togami and Ludenberg, as instead of playing her newest classical composition, Akamatsu plays “meme” songs such as the “Rick-Roll song.” If I recall correctly… the song is titled “Never Gonna Give You Up.”**

**Do:** Politely smile and ask if there is another classical concert they would like to listen to, and offer your services in booking said concert for them. 

**Do Not:** Snarkily remark out loud (despite what you undoubtedly just thought) on the fact that Togami and Ludenberg have fallen for Akamatsu’s prank more than one time. If I recall correctly, this appears to be a yearly trick Akamatsu and Mioda play. Amusingly enough, the annual Hope’s Peak Academy April Fool’s Day “Meme” Concert tickets sell out consistently. Unless your name is Ouma and are able to “ _mysteriously_ ” exploit Ludenberg’s soft spot for her protégé, it is _not_ advised to attempt humiliating the prideful Class 77 seniors. I do suspect Togami and Ludenberg secretly tolerate their lowerclassmen’s actions, as they most certainly are not daft enough to fall for pranks more than once. 

* * *

  
All in all, Akamatsu is quite easy to work with, and goes out of her way to be considerate of my duties, which I can appreciate. Ah...if I was to compare her to one of my _actual_ children, I would say Akamatsu most resembles... _Misumena vatia_.

Below is a photo, courtesy of Iruma. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that the art is mine. My tumblr is @kitkatixx.
> 
> Commentary from @BlueVelvetBeauty and I:  
> \- "Plot twist, they (Shuichi/Kokichi + Miu/Kaede) have already lost, the lesbiabs are the true og best gayz."  
> \- "I just wanna be stepped on, I'll catch youuuuuuu."  
> \- "Be gay, do crime, flip men, tenko 2020"
> 
> Tidbits:  
> Misumena vatia is species of crab spider, also known as the flower or goldenrod crab spider. Given it's name, these small, harmless spiders spend the majority of their time camouflaged against or as the flowers they are born on, but during the winter stay on the ground. Interestingly enough, these spiders don't weave webs, but opt to wrap their eggs in silk and stand guard over them when they are about to hatch.
> 
> M. vatia tend to be either white or bright yellow, and actually can change color at will (but the process takes time.) I chose this spider for Kaede since I felt the colors worked with her personality pretty well, its low level of aggression, and lifestyle focus on growth/reproduction as opposed to constant hunting/escaping predators. However, spiders are still carnivores, so even though its weak venom and short fangs are harmless to humans, it's still got a (little) bite to it.


	4. 1.2: Hogna Carolinensis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After nearly a month, I'm back! Things got a but busy, but updates will be more frequent now... I think.

##  _Chapter 2: Hogna carolinensis_

**Alias: Shuichi Saihara**

**Preferred Name:** Shuichi

**Agility: ★★★**

**Defense: ★★★**

**Charisma: ★★★**

**Difficulty to Handle: ★**

**Reasonability of Requests: ★★★★★**

**Threat to the Academy: ★**

**Threat to Sanity: ★**

**Usual Locations:** Ultimate Detective, Pianist, Supreme Leader, Astronomer’s Talent Lab, the first floor of the academy’s main campus, Library, Kirigiri-san’s dorm, Kitchen, and the Forensics Lab.

 **Commentary:** Late to sleep, late to rise. Enjoys black coffee with espresso, dislikes gossip. There is a difference between humility, a virtue, and self-deprecation, which in this case appears to be an area of improvement for him. 

After Akamatsu, Saihara is the next easiest individual to interact with in Class 79, as he too is quite considerate of others and attuned to the rather mischievous antics that our peers get up to. However, more often than not, his self-doubting nature obstructs him from standing up to said peers or for himself, but it is evident that beneath the timid exterior lies a strong, driven young adult. However, his tendencies are the root of many issues that plague him, which may include:

* * *

**Problem: Depressive, melancholy episodes of self-doubt in his capabilities.**

**Do:** Once again, like with Akamatsu, offer your counseling support, but geared towards validating his undeniable talent. I do believe such a feeling is commonly known as “imposter syndrome,” which is characterized by the following traits or behaviors: 

  * Believing one was merely lucky or is a fraud as opposed to working hard.
  * Difficulty accepting praise, finding the fear of failure paralyzing, apologizing if one has not done anything wrong, convincing oneself that they are not enough.



Given that his mentor, Kirigiri of Class 77 is also an Ultimate Detective, it is evident that Saihara feels uncertainty over whether he truly belongs at Hope’s Peak as an Ultimate, and experiences an inferiority complex over being seen as the “secondary” detective; it does not help that Kirigiri-san is also the daughter of our headmaster. As you are not the Ultimate Therapist, I advise you leave professional counseling to Gekkogahara, but I have found the following statements or points helpful in combating said syndrome. Firstly, if Saihara was as unworthy of his title as he believes himself to be, surely the academy would not have accepted him in the first place, much less allow two Ultimate Detective students-- in fact, I believe it must have been because of his capabilities that they expanded the title. Furthermore, while it is true that we are masters of our crafts, Hope’s Peak is a firm believer that one always has room to improve, and thus learn. As such, if there is the opportunity to learn, then it is impossible to expect one to come into every situation perfectly prepared, no matter how many years of experience under your belt. Even I, the Ultimate Maid, am still human. It is true that I hold myself to the highest standards, but over the years, I have come to grudgingly realize with the help of my classmates and copious amounts of therapy that in the end, it is… acceptable for errors in my career, so long as I promptly learn from them and _do not repeat them_. Ever. My digression aside, the most important lesson is to realize there is a difference between humility, fear, and self-deprecation. 

**Consider:** Speaking to Momota. Despite what rude comments Ouma may make about the charismatic astronaut, I have found that Momota has an “unusual” knack for knowing what to say in the event that one of our classmates is feeling down. Seeing as the two are close “bros,” there is a good chance that he will be able to cheer up Saihara with one of his infamous “Bro To Bro Sidekick Exercise/Pep Talk” combinations. Quite unorthodox, but I suppose more often than not, they have worked for our more stubborn classmates...

 **Do Not:** Say a phrase along the lines of “If I am not mistaken, many of the reserve students would be grateful if they were in your position.” Honestly, and pardon my bluntness, if any thought similar to this even remotely crossed your mind, conserve the academy’s resources, do all of your classmates a favor, and please, feel free to lock yourself into the trash disposal system while a trusted acquaintance activates it, sending you down to the trash where you belong. You have my permission as your predecessor to do so. I am not a professional therapist, but I do believe that such words are _highly inappropriate_ to say to someone in such a position, as this would merely magnify his feelings of inadequacy _to say the least._

**Problem: Suffering from repeated, consistent insomnia.**

**Do:** Saihara consequently ends up waking sleep deprived or in the hours nearing lunch-- there have been multiple incidents where he was nearly late to classes due to this. I have strong suspicions that this issue is linked to the previous point, as I have seen Ouma entering his room late at night numerous times with a large heated blanket, hot chocolate, and tissues. Insomnia appears to be linked to his feelings of guilt for occupying a spot in the main course better suited for a more worthy student. Begin with rudimentary changes such as changing the decor or atmosphere of the room such that it is a more welcoming environment to sleep. For example, blue is said to be a soothing color due to special cells in our eyes, making it a palatable color for rest, so consider swapping out his bedding to a light blue and set the lights to dim after a certain period of time. Next, avoid possible stimulants during nighttime, such as caffeine, electronics use, and unfortunately for Momota, exercise. May I also suggest finding time to de-stress personally, whether it be taking a refreshment break or walk on campus? These are merely rudimentary ideas-- adjust and tailor your procedures accordingly based on your own classmates.

If symptoms stubbornly persist and interfere with his studies, it may be of benefit to speak with Tsumiki, Kimura, or Gekkogahara-san for proper treatment or therapy. 

**Do Not:** Allow Saihara anywhere near his lab at night or near the kitchen without proper supervision, as he has been known to attempt to harness his insomnia and channel his feelings of guilt into productive tasks, pulling all-nighters. I specify proper supervision, as the detective is not above convincing a sympathetic overseer that he will make decaffeinated coffee, but proceeds to slip four shots of espresso in when they look away.

**Problem: Being shamelessly hit on by Ouma. Or in general.**

**Do:** Politely look the other way while the supreme leader flirts and teases shamelessly with his significant other, as the nature of their relationship is of no business to you, despite how often it is flaunted in front of Class 79. Truthfully, I am under the impression that Ouma is quite vocal about singing Saihara’s praises as means to indirectly boost morale and confidence in his achievements. By publicly validating the accomplishments appropriately (I have noted that Ouma subtly eases his words in the event that Saihara appears to be uncomfortable with the amount of attention his antics draw) this unusual method appears to serve an additional purpose in recognizing Saihara’s contributions not only as an Ultimate, but also our classmate. If Saihara is being engaged in a current setting that is inappropriate for such interactions, if requested, politely cite your orders and repeat that the offender should cease their antics. Upon refusal and depending on the student, you may find your extendable broom with its changeable tip _most_ useful in this situation. 

**Do Not:** Please do not attempt intervening, especially if Ouma is the one shamelessly hitting on the detective. The supreme leader has unfortunately picked up a tendency (or ten) from Iruma, and is known to suddenly switch targets should another classmate tell him off. Succinctly, you will now find yourself barraged with a collection of pick-up lines, ranging from innocently cheesy to triple-X rated (rather reminiscent of Iruma) as Ouma follows you for a short period of time. You will find it much more worthwhile to walk away from the scene in the first place, which I imagine was his objective to begin with. 

**Problem: Having the “honor” of being chosen as a test subject for Iruma’s invention.**

**Do:** Depending on the level of how ungodly the inventor’s newest creation is, Saihara may be perfectly capable of dealing with the incident without intervention. Last week, he was accosted by Iruma, who asked that she test a new invention on him. According to Saihara, she said--verbatim-- to “Now eat me, Pooichi.” Apparently, the inventor created a “vore” gun that supposedly shrank a person and made them resistant to stomach acid, therefore making them “vore-able.” Unfortunately, Shinguji was present during said encounter, and ended up clarifying that “vore” was referring to a sexual fetish in which one derives pleasure from the prospect of eating or being eaten by another, and it was then that many of our classmates ran out of the room, looking rather green in the face. While there are not many things I could have been thankful for in that exact moment, I appreciated that this conversation took place well before 7PM, lest the floor suddenly be covered in stomach acid and the remnants of a half-digested dinner. Regardless, Saihara promptly took the gun and smashed it onto the floor, apologizing that “it was for both the world and her own good” that it was destroyed. 

**Do Not:** If Iruma’s invention can fire projectiles, I strongly advise against allowing other students from rushing towards or tackling her, lest a stray shot be fired into the air during the fray. The last time this occurred, I was alerted by the shout of “Hey garden gnome, check this shit out!” By the balcony above the outdoor pavilion, the inventor was firing what looked like reddish streaks out of a gun, and upon closer look, they were red-hot butter knives designed for the purpose of cutting and toasting slices of bread simultaneously. On the ground, Souda-san was cheering her on, and in support, had lined up a row of cannons, of which shot out bread loaves, while Hanamura-san watched on in horror. (Admittedly, I was wondering why the bread pantry was empty earlier) In a panic, Nidai and Kuwata-san, who were passing upstairs dove in her direction in an attempt to stop her, but this merely resulted in a knife shooting out that just barely missed Hanamura-san. Thankfully, Harukawa was present, and grabbed the knives out of the air before significant damage was done to both the campus and six other onlookers, but Tsumiki-san was called to treat minor burns and a few cuts. 

Like Akamatsu, Saihara is not without a few complaints from others. Such are the following requests or concerns I have received from students at Hope’s Peak Academy:

**Problem: Blasting “emo” music at the ungodly hour of 3AM in his Talent Lab and dorm room, somehow despite Iruma making the walls soundproof.**

**Do:** Politely knock on the door crisply (knowing this will be to no avail, as it is blasting, after all. However, courtesy must be maintained.) Next, after repeating a few more knocks, consider sliding a note underneath the door, taking sure that it travels far enough into the room, which should reach him if he is using his headphones. However, Saihara may also have his eyes closed for ah… atmospheric purposes, and the first two attempts will be useless. It is such that I regret to say your next best option is to pick the lock, because it is three in the morning and most of the dormitory is trying to sleep, so a swift way in is advisable. Upon entering the room, apologizing for your actions and politely state your purpose and request given that he please quiet down. Frankly, I suspect modifications have been made to the speaker. Whether this deliberate broadcasting to others is a secret cry for help or his desire to be completely immersed in his emotions, I do not know. 

**Do Not:** Kick down the door off its hinges and switch the music off. Saihara will proceed to stare at you with a most mournful expression on his face and depending on his mood and/or inebriation level, may even weep as he says (all the while shedding eyeliner-tinged tears) “Mama, we all go to hell.” A flood of tears will ensue, and now you have an additional task at this ungodly hour. Well done. It would be _infinitely_ more productive to spend this time resting for the long day ahead of you.

**Problem: Saihara has been awoken prematurely and is henceforth much more irritable towards classmates. Once, he even snapped at Akamatsu of all people and went on a five-minute rant (to his immediate mortification after downing the coffee.)**

**Do:** Immediately hand him the prepared _five_ -espresso-shot _black_ coffee you have on hand for this exact purpose. And then the next two that you have from the breakfast cart.

 **Consider:** Maintain a close watch on the cart to ensure that no one accidentally takes the wrong cup of coffee for the reason below. 

**Do Not:** Allow anyone to switch your prepared beverage for decaffeinated coffee because chaos will ensue if the detective realizes that someone has had the audacity to give him decaffeinated coffee. Saihara can and will proceed to go on a rampage, using his talent to immediately figure out the culprit within the hour, and from what I have seen, the results upon being exposed are most unpleasant. Even Ouma is not exempt from the wrath of his boyfriend, seeing as he was once nearly thrown out the third story window for his attempt at a prank. What was it that was uttered? “This ‘bitch’ empty like my coffee and soul… yeet?” I shudder to think of that day’s clean up.

* * *

In the end, Saihara is one of the easiest students to work with in my class, disregarding his… tendencies and occasional evening activities. I do believe he embodies some tendencies of _Hogna carolinensis_. 

Below is a photo of Saihara that Ouma has edited a caption onto. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to @BlueVelvetBeauty for helping me get inspired for some of these scenarios (the butter knives!) 
> 
> Tidbits:  
> H. carolinensis, known as the Carolina wolf spider, is admittedly one of the larger wolf spiders among the species, but males tend to be smaller than the females. These solid black, reflective-eyed spiders prefer to live in solitude under burrows and rarely appear during the day, but actually are quite skittish when met with something larger than them. However, if they are backed into a corner, like all spiders, they will bite to defend themselves. The bite of the wolf spider is reminiscent of a bee or wasp sting, which obviously still is quite painful. Given these traits, I got the impression of Shuichi from H. carolinensis, seeing as in the game he appears to largely be quite timid (not the tallest, but have you seen how long his legs are in comparison to his torso? Sheesh.) but as it progresses, we get to see him develop some confidence under the immense pressure from the trials, and boy does he have a bite back!
> 
> Also, I've also fleshed out my own HPA AU as you may have seen, and here, some of the older students from Classes 77 and 79 (THH/SDR2, respectively) act as peer mentors to the Class 79 first years (v3 cast) so you might get a peek of the shenanigans that happens in the academy from here on out. Generally, the THH kiddos are mentors to SDR2, and SDR2 mentors v3, but there are a few exceptions, like Shuichi and Kyoko in this chapter! Feel free to take a guess at who has who...


	5. 1.3: Menemerus Bivittatus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys have no idea how much pain this one's art caused me. Hopefully the resolution didn't bite the dust.

##  _Chapter 3: Menemerus bivittatus_

**Alias: Himiko Yumeno**

**Preferred Name:** The Ultimate “Mage”

**Agility: ★**

**Defense: ★**

**Charisma: ★★**

**Difficulty to Handle: ★**

**Reasonability of Requests: ★★★★**

**Threat to the Academy: ★★**

**Threat to Sanity: ★★**

**Usual Locations:** Ultimate Magician, Aikido Master, Artist, Cosplayer, Supreme Leader, and Adventurer’s Talent Laboratories, Visual and Fine Arts Wing, Electronics and Technology Wing, Tanaka-san's dormitory.

 **Commentary:** In all my years of serving as a maid, I have met few individuals who manage to be as lazy as Yumeno. Nevertheless, her ability to captivate crowds with performances is undeniable, even if she insists it is merely due to magic and not visual tricks or deft handiwork.

* * *

Slothful and adamant in being called the Ultimate “Mage,” Yumeno is simple to manage, as she is relatively easy to please. Unfortunately, she tends to attract trouble in the form of some of our other classmates, and therefore she is placed third in this section. Despite this, the magician is not without her problems, albeit some of her requests can be rather odd:

**Problem: Yumeno is having trouble reaching some of her equipment for her performance.**

**Do:** Allow me to clarify. Frequently, this is not a true issue for Yumeno, despite her small stature, as you see, this is merely a matter of her magic wand being just barely out of reach from where she is sitting or standing, and the magician does not wish to get up out of laziness. Had this been a vertically-challenged problem with Yumeno being unable to reach something on top of the cabinet, this would be a different matter in which I would be happy to assist without further remark. While her request is far from unreasonable, it would be prudent to not enable such behavior over a long period of time in the name of her future wellbeing, and one would do well to nudge the magician in a more proactive direction.

 **Do Not:** Allow Ouma to taunt the magician as he lords over the five or so centimeters that he has over Yumeno. Many a time, I have caught the supreme leader taking the step stool she uses to reach the tops of her Talent Lab cabinets, to the rage and ire of Chabashira. Despite the two being friends, Ouma is not above petty tricks and pranks to amuse himself, but as I am certain you have already noticed, more often than not, such amusement comes at the expense of other students in the academy. 

**Problem: Lower grades in certain general education school subjects.**

**Do:** Yumeno is known for her capability to fall asleep in any circumstance, in any position, and this is not limited to her desk in the classroom. Of course, it is expected that a lack of attention during lectures would result in lower grades without sufficient outside preparatory work, but seeing as she does not fall asleep in subjects that she does well in, such as physics, this is clearly not a medical issue, as Saihara’s may be. Thus, this requires further introspection to the root of this issue: why, specifically, is it that Yumeno falls asleep only during certain classes? Along with both Saihara and Shinguji, I have noticed that the classes she is not mentally present in are subjects that she does not do well in. This now brings up a follow-up question: what is the cause of this? Upon further investigation, a lack of interest is to blame, but this is merely a surface-level explanation. Truly, this is due to a lack of understanding of course material, as comprehending the discussion makes for a more enjoyable learning experience. Might I suggest individual tutoring sessions with her and breaking down each lesson into manageable sections? Do take note that Yumeno is a visual learner… including aids, comparisons to her magic tricks, and diagrams would be useful.

 **Do Not:** Allow the resident paternal figure to join the tutoring sessions, as more often than not, the lesson will diverge from its intended subject, and his tendencies to ramble will detract from your purpose in helping Yumeno learn. The last documented occurrence resulted in a discussion about medieval torture devices, which was a drastic deviation from Japanese literature. 

**Problem: Falling asleep anywhere at any time. Everywhere.**

**Do:** As stated earlier, Yumeno has the capacity to fall asleep at will at any location imaginable. As such, this includes rather inconvenient settings, namely the hallways (especially the corners), where daily rampages occur, but are not limited to incredibly dangerous ones. Once while taking out the trash, I approached the incinerator, only to find Yumeno fast asleep inside the can, buried under other school materials. As this was not the first time I have found her in the bins, I was frankly more concerned that someone had found her in there, and put trash/recycling on her in the first place, seeing as that would be highly unsanitary, to say the least. 

**Do Not:** Immediately after I awoke the magician and questioned her current location, she responded that she was cold, and had pulled the contents of the bottom of the bin over herself in an attempt to warm herself. It is to my utmost relief that one of our classmates had not, in fact, placed trash over her; however, this is unfortunately an excellent way to become sick, especially later on in the evening, when the temperature cools down slightly. As such, do not encourage this slothful behavior and please pick Yumeno up swiftly. Carry her to a safer, more comfortable spot before waking her up, lest an unfortunate event occur. Which more often than not, tends to befall the students at this academy. 

**Problem: On rare occasions, Yumeno will be forced to mediate a dispute between Yonaga and Chabashira.**

**Do:** Despite the three being good friends, as all groups are, Yumeno, Yonaga, and Chabashira are not without their quarrels. Unfortunately, as things are with a trio of acquaintances, more often than not, should two get into a disagreement, the third will become a designated “tiebreaker,” causing them to be put in a rather difficult position. When Yumeno is the one singled out, this tends to cause a rift, as Chabashira may expect the support of her girlfriend, but the magician of course wishes to remain impartial as a means to avoid confrontation. While the subject of conflict is none of my business as a maid, in the name of preserving harmony among the members of the class, I of course would not step in on behalf of Yumeno, but if prompted, would advise that she have her friends to identify the emotions that fuel their anger. Yonaga is known to be incredibly driven by logic (despite being an artist) and her blunt, unconventional manners of delivering actions may rile the more emotionally hot-headed Chabashira. 

**Do Not:** For the love of Angie’s god, do not let Yumeno use her common strategy to avoid responsibility by falling asleep during the argument, as this will spark a secondary argument about who’s side and rationale was “so boring it could not be true.” And as enjoyable as carrying out duties are, I would much rather not clean up another series of passive-aggressive “modern abstract” paintings decorating the second and third floors of the main campus that depict visions of “Angie’s god” in response to Chabashira making a few irritated remarks. 

Of course, Yumeno is not without her… eccentricities at times, specifically when she is enabled by a few other select members of the academy. And a certain substance, for that matter. 

**Problem: A phenomenon that the academy’s “Herb Appreciation Club” dubs “the munchies” has occurred, and Yumeno now has strong cravings.**

**Do:** Fortunately, this is one of the easier troublesome events involving an inebriated Yumeno to assist with, as it merely requires cooking an assortment of small sweets and savory morsels, which can be additionally tailored to her nutritional needs. Of course, such behavior should not be encouraged, as late-night snacking is unhealthy and unless paired with an appropriate amount of exercise for a young adult her age, will lead to weight gain. However, depending on your level of patience, preparing the refreshments and other fare may be a suitable short-term solution. For now. 

**Consider:** If Yumeno appears to be rather picky during her cravings, consider speaking to Hanamura about the kitchen’s custom snack pantry for each of the students. There, you will find “margarine-mead,” “vanilla newts,” or a rather mysterious brand of “every flavor bean” that the magician is rather fond of.

 **Do Not:** I do not recommend bringing up the prospect of a healthier alternative such as fresh vegetables or onigiri. For the sake of your own sanity, it is advisable to simply plan ahead for these… occasions. 

**Problem: Yumeno has gotten into an argument in regards to the validity of her “magic.”**

**Do:** The other members of the academy should be familiar with her quirks, but every now and then, one of the more straight-laced or mischievous students will enter a dispute with her. Pacify the agitated magician by praising her magical prowess. Truth be told, her talent and expertise with a wide range of tricks are undeniable, and one would be foolish to doubt this in the first place. If the opponent she is debating is marginally agreeable, I am certain that they will pick up on your nonverbal cue to cease and play along; however, should the other student not be of this nature, it may be necessary for you to exercise your professional opinion on whether it is acceptable to step in and halt the argument. 

**Do Not:** Seeing as she is rather adamant about her technical skills being labeled “properly,” it is best to go along with Yumeno and not attempt to change her mind by reasoning with her by siding with the “opposing” side. Among the other… issues you have to take care of on a daily basis, this is far from the most concerning or time-consuming. 

**Problem: Yumeno and Tanaka-san are leaving a trail of chaos in their wake with their animals.**

**Do:** Recruit Gokuhara to aid you, as the entomologist has the additional ability to understand the languages of animals, which will be of use when requesting them to quiet down. Should you be able to render the direct source of chaos moot, then you will have solved this issue quickly and efficiently as opposed to dealing with the secondary sources, the enablers. Of course, if the animals are not cooperative, this may require more… extreme measures if the antics they are causing greatly disturbs the harmony of the academy. 

**Do Not:** This is merely common sense, but it is ill-advised to bring up the possibility that insects may be harmed from the chaos (even inadvertently) lest Gokuhara go on a rampage, which would defeat the point of de escalating the situation quietly and without further carnage for you to clean up. 

**Problem: Yumeno has stolen one of the brooms used for cleaning and is now hopping around the academy halls.**

**Do:** Ever since she got a hold of Iruma’s prototype of a motorized broom which for some odd reason had a jetpack of all possible modifications, allowing her to fly, the magician has been convinced that magic is in fact possible. As such, should she see any sort of broom, Yumeno tends to assume that they work in the same manner as the motorized one, and will promptly grab it while jumping in the direction of the nearest window as a launch point. This is, of course, rather inconvenient when the broom she uses for her antics is your personalized cleaning broom. Therefore, promptly deescalate the situation by removing her from the premises and transfer her to the cushioned trampoline room in the Visual and Performing Arts Wing of the main campus, where jumping about should be sufficiently safe. 

**Consider:** Carrying around disposable duplicates on hand for these exact circumstances. Alternatively, a simple long wooden stick will do, depending on the level of inebriation. 

**Do Not:** Allow Chabashira to enable the magician by cheering her on. Or Yonaga, for the matter. “Atua believes and has blessed your divine abilities of flight, Himiko!” most certainly does not help the situation. Really, any sort of positive encouragement simply will not do. A polite admonishment will do the trick.

* * *

Inebriated actions aside, you will notice that Yumeno’s section in this guidebook is shorter than the others-- for good reason, seeing as her slothful nature largely does not impede my work, nor does it cause significant issues to her own or the wellbeing of others, save for rare moments. As such, the Ultimate Mage rather reminds me of _Menemerus bivittatus._

Below is a series of rather... unfortunate photos documenting an incident with Yumeno and her mentor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tidbits:  
> "Every time I read her entry, I keep thinking it's Mememerus bivittatus." -Blue 2020
> 
> I was going to do four panels of that little comic, but I got lazy. Maybe another time. 
> 
> Himiko, you gave me a headache trying to find a suitable lil spider for you, because I couldn’t find any red, tiny ones! So I had to settle for M. bivittatus, commonly known as the gray wall jumper. As its name suggests, this spider is found on higher ground such as walls or tree trunks, and will leap down in order to catch its prey. Amazingly enough, these small spiders are talented enough to catch prey twice their size… which admittedly isn’t what you’d expect with Himiko. What *does,* however, is that this spider has been documented to steal food right from the mandibles of ants, which in my opinion, is rather lazy! With how low-effort Himiko can be and her preference to hope things will happen on their own, I figured this would be the best approximation I could get to her personality and demeanor, seeing as I took the L with physical appearance.


	6. 1.4: Salticus Scenicus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience and support for this fic, as always.

## Chapter 4: _Salticus scenicus_

**Alias:** Ryoma Hoshi

 **Preferred Name or Title:** Ryoma

 **Agility:** ★★★★★

 **Defense:** ★★★★

 **Charisma:** ★★

 **Difficulty to Handle:** ★★

 **Reasonability of Requests:** ★★★★★

 **Threat to the Academy:** ★ 

**Threat to Sanity: ★**

**Usual Locations:** Ultimate Tennis Pro, Magician, Entomologist, Maid, Breeder, Anthropologist’s Talent Labs, Hope’s Peak Academy Sports Wing, the local cat cafe downtown. 

**Commentary:** Quiet but full of profound wisdom past his years, I find Hoshi quite admirable for how far he has come in his time at Hope’s Peak Academy and am grateful that he considers me a “friend.” 

Despite his rather intimidating demeanor and questionable past, Hoshi does not pose a significant threat to the academy, but has been placed towards the end of this section, as I will not rule out the possibility of someone managing to sufficiently distress him to the point where he is forced to take drastic action and employ more unsavory methods. Nevertheless, I appreciate his relatively cooperative nature and our friendship, even if he is rather lax with name formalities. The following are a few issues Hoshi faces on a regular basis, in spite of everything.

* * *

**Problem: One of Hoshi’s cats. Miso, has found herself stuck in a tree.**

**Do:** Miso, a pale ginger and white tabby, has made a name for herself at Hope’s Peak Academy for frequently getting lost around school. Thankfully, the tree is the least of your issues in terms of the varying locations she finds herself in, but I recommend retrieving a ladder from one of the janitor’s rooms and your motorized broom with the net function prepared. You may also find asking Tanaka-san another appropriate option, as the Ultimate Breeder’s ability to calm panicked animals will undoubtedly be useful. 

**Do Not:** Ideally, you would have seen and resolved this issue ahead of time before Hoshi himself attempts to personally retrieve his cat as he wishes to not infringe upon my time and wound his pride. Unfortunately, the first time this occurred, this resulted in the chains and handcuffs the Tennis Pro wears getting caught on the tree, and I arrived at the scene to see an upside-down classmate, facing the tree trunk. To save face for both parties, please remind him to retrieve me when this issue arises. In the meantime, remain sharply observant of the trees surrounding the Hope’s Peak campus on a daily basis. 

**Problem: Hoshi has relapsed into one of his depressive episodes.**

**Do:** Like Saihara, Hoshi also suffers from long-term depression over the nature of his past. Again, I would recommend consulting Gekkogahara-san for her professional expertise, but I have found the following useful to keep in mind: 

It is vital to ensure that Hoshi is aware that he has a support system, as he has openly remarked on feelings of apathy towards the idea of “not being alone” in his struggles. From what I have seen and understand, Hoshi is a rather private person, therefore, like Saihara, I would recommend leaving the majority of such actions to his closer companions such as Gokuhara, and allow him to speak at his own pace. Ultimately, one should aim not to force immediate progress, but to gradually allow him to feel more comfortable allowing himself to be confident in the care and support of his peers, and merely be aware that he is not alone in his struggles--true progress cannot be rushed. 

Interestingly enough, Momota has also managed to connect with him through his unorthodox methods and has convinced Hoshi to play a few rounds of tennis with a few other classmates and our upperclassmen; take care to prepare the Talent Lab courts accordingly and provide refreshments and snacks. 

**Do Not:** Simply avoid running the risk of sounding like you pity him, as he has his pride and may withdraw further, or say something along the lines of “cheer up...” which may be a phrase that Akamatsu uses frequently; she means well but more often than not may end up irritating Hoshi with her assertive demeanor. Furthermore, such words are inconducive to the situation at hand, as Gekkogahara-san has mentioned that these may inadvertently invalidate his feelings, and I will defer to her better judgment. As the Ultimate Maid, I will need to research this topic further to better aid others, however. Surprisingly, some of our more… troublesome students are aware of when their antics may or may not be appropriately warranted should Hoshi relapse, and often have unconventional methods to improve his mood. This of course, has improved, but exercise caution and remain attentive to his reactions. 

**Problem: I have been informed of attempts to set up a “Real Life Cat Cafe” at Hoshi’s Talent Lab by the school’s Anime Club.**

**Do:** The Anime Club appears to have taken an interest in a mobile game where one places goods in their front yard to attract cats. Thus, Hoshi's Talent Lab is a prime location given how many cats dwell in the area among his equipment. I recommend you suggest this as a club fundraising activity with the permission of the owner. Ideally, this would not be a permanent fixture in the room; even though Hoshi may not use it consistently, the lab is still his, and it would be rude to infringe upon his rights. 

**Do Not:** It would not be prudent to allow Yumeno and Tanaka-san’s more… dangerous feline companions enter the premises, no matter how hard the Ultimate Mage pleads that it is for the benefit of her magic. Furthermore, should Hoshi grant permission for the use of his Lab, I recommend setting stringent boundaries on the nature of cafes with his permission, for both present and future purposes. I am referring to the follow-up idea the Anime Club had for a “neko maid” cafe, as both Shirogane and Yamada-san enthusiastically approached me about the premises of their idea. Of course, I will accept reasonable requests, as it is my duty to accommodate the others in my time here, but if I were to be frank, I have a queries on the other “recruits” they had in mind, and the integrity of some of our classmates’ interest in said cafe. As such, I will not hesitate to firmly regulate the activities of these upon request, should the majority of our other classmates see fit. 

**Problem: For the third time this month, Shinguji has kicked down Hoshi’s Talent Lab door in an “epic quest for pussy.” Those words were unfortunately verbatim.**

**Do:** Shinguji and his entourage of varying willingness will attempt to question the entirety of Hope’s Peak Academy if they have seen any signs of “pussy.” Despite the previous two times being mere misunderstandings about the nature of the phrase, the anthropologist has convinced himself that Hoshi has been secretly hiding said… content after the situation is diffused, and has taken it upon himself to solve this “mystery” with the help of Saihara, Yumeno, and Gokuhara. You may find it helpful to appeal to the entourage’s sense of logic, but that rather unfortunately appears to be thrown out the window with their leader, therefore should the situation arise, more firm methods of avoiding yet another broken door will be necessary. I trust that as my successor, you are aware of what this may involve depending on your own classmates. Exercise as much caution as you deem necessary, but ignore any crude comments Iruma may make about “not needing to go on a fuckin’ quest for pussy when it’s right in front of you” and carry on with your daily duties. Discipline as necessary.

 **Consider:** Recruiting Harukawa to guard the entrance temporarily as you look to put an end to this nonsense with Hoshi and speak to Iruma or Souda for door repair options. This is merely assuming Momota has not had his slippers glued to the floor by Ouma, and that Iruma has not fallen asleep in the middle of the courtyard. Chabashira is an acceptable alternative, but is more provoking towards certain members of the party, which may exacerbate the issues at hand. Persuading Gokuhara is another option given his relation with Hoshi, but you may find yourself in a difficult situation where he weighs his options, and ultimately wishes to help a greater majority of his peers as a gentleman. 

**Do Not:** By any means, please do not allow Shinguji to throw Hoshi into the lake upon realizing that his kittens are once again, hidden in a basket of tennis balls, nor should you allow the ensemble to challenge you to what Shirogane refers to as a “turn-based RPG battle” as you and the owner defend the entrance to his Tennis Pro Talent Lab. Thankfully, Gokuhara will reliably catch him before he hits the water should the situation get out of hand.

Below are a few issues that our classmates have found with Hoshi. 

**Problem: Every now and then, Hoshi will be found silently floating or standing in one of the bodies of water on campus, such as the swimming pool, fountain, the aquariums, or even Yumeno’s water tanks used for performances.**

**Do:** I simply advise against questioning how he is floating without the use of a floatation device, for most of my classmates have learned to quietly ignore this uncharacteristically strange behavior from Hoshi. While he has not provided an explanation for his actions, this is by far one of the most benign students at the academy, and I see no need to take action unless specifically requested by another classmate within reason. However, once securing his safety, I questioned him for a motive, but his reply was a faint mumble from the water, and I only picked up something about “... piranhas… white-tip reef sharks…”

 **Do Not:** Hand him a floatation device. Specifically for children. You may offer one for his cat, however. 

**Problem: I have received complaints about the sheer number of cats Hoshi keeps in both his Talent Lab and dorm room, as some of our upperclassmen have awoken to a kitten crawling on their face, despite having locked their rooms.**

**Do:** Politely speak to Hoshi in regards to containing his companions. Unfortunately, it seems that any feline in proximity of the academy campus is drawn to him, and his assembly has merely grown over the years. Remove the cat from the premises promptly and return to their owner. Do be aware that some of our other upperclassmen have feline companions of their own that may be territorial, and thus would react poorly with the newcomer. You may wish to clean the room of any fur that has been shed, as a few students are allergic to cats. 

**Do Not:** Allow Iruma to set up camp with signs labeled “For Pussy, Go This Way” pasted over the dorms that have cats located in them. Maintaining a respectable distance between Ludenberg-san’s cat Grand Bois Cherie and the other felines is highly advised, given his rather irritable disposition towards those he is unfamiliar with.

**Problem: Ouma complains that Hoshi “ruins all his fun” by clarifying the intent behind his actions that require “assistance from a true gentleman like Gonta!”**

**Do:** Hoshi and Gokuhara have a rather interesting relationship that I will not comment further on out of respect for their privacy, as the entomologist is one of his few close companions at Hope’s Peak Academy. Due to his naive and agreeable nature, Gokuhara has readily agreed to favors that might be otherwise rejected by others. As such, Hoshi appears to have become a quiet overseer of some sort, and over the years has been known to subtly defend the entomologist. I am more than aware that Ouma knows this but chooses to cause mischief for his own interest, so a simple reprimand will do, as ultimately Hoshi is capable of stepping in himself should the supreme leader be persistent.

 **Do Not:** Take the complaints seriously, as I am sure that you will learn the antics of your mischievous classmate swiftly, and be able to discern between false and genuine complaints. 

**Problem: Kuwata and Hagakure have reported seeing Hoshi stand in the middle of a hallway, staring at everyone, and I quote, “standing there, menacingly.”**

**Do:** As Hoshi is not actively seeking to directly inconvenience students, he therefore cannot be accused of troublemaking. Thus, politely ask him to relocate to a wider spot than a hallway, as this will block student foot traffic and cause an inconvenience. In the event that this occurs in the evening, simply recommend that he stand aside and not in the middle. I have found him to be rather agreeable in the matter. 

**Consider:** De-escalating the situation before something inconvenient occurs. Hoshi’s sense of humor surfaces at unusual times, and depending on his mood, may engage in a high-speed chase using his Shukuchi Method to rapidly create “copies” of himself to hunt down the upperclassmen. Discarding the fact that it is usually Kuwata who manages to draw the ire of him, as the Ultimate Maid, you should seek to minimize collateral damage, even if Hoshi is usually incredibly precise with his maneuvers. 

**Do Not:** Allow one of the mischief-makers under the “Violin Spiders” or any enabling upperclassmen to encourage this behavior. Encouraging is defined as shining large high-tech spotlights behind Hoshi to backlight him (and therefore give a rather dramatic unsettling effect), playing sound tracks of a popular children’s show character mimicking a sound that rather resembles an ambulance, jump-scaring Kuwata and Hagakure from behind, using painted sets to stimulate a looping hallway, or anything else that may add redundancy to a rather juvenile situation in the first place.

* * *

Indeed, Hoshi may be of small stature and a calm demeanor, but it would be a grave mistake to underestimate him, should one manage to antagonize him. Therefore, I would consider him rather reminiscent of _Salticus scenicus._

Yumeno has kindly contributed a photo to our class group chat that I have attached below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tidbits:  
> Short and (not quite) sweet, here’s Ryoma! Congratulations to HarunP and any others who correctly guessed that S. scenicus was him! As some of you thought, I chose it because it’s black, white, tiny, known to be able to grab prey several sizes larger than it, and most of all lightning fast, which more or less sums up our favorite tennis player in a nutshell. Honestly, it was challenging coming up with ideas for him since he’s relatively easygoing and doesn’t get himself into trouble. Hope you enjoyed the rendition of the “this is fine'' meme with him that I drew this time.
> 
> Bonus points if you understand the reference about our favorite oddball group of Korekiyo, Shuichi, Gonta, and Himiko, how he got stuck in the tree, and the mobile game of interest.


	7. 1.5: Theraphosa Blondi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year, readers, and a very happy birthday to Gonta :)

## Chapter 5: _Theraphosa blondi_

**Alias:** Gonta Gokuhara

 **Preferred Name:** Gonta

 **Agility:** ★★★★

 **Defense:** ★★★★★

 **Charisma:** ★★★★★

 **Difficulty to Handle:** ★★★

 **Reasonability of Requests** **:** ★★★★

 **Threat to the Academy:** ★, ★★★ if talked into or coerced.

 **Threat to Sanity:** ★★

 **Usual Locations:** Ultimate Entomologist, Tennis Pro, Anthropologist, Maid’s Talent Labs, Hope’s Peak Academy Life and Physical Sciences Wing, Greenhouse, Campus Lawns, Tanaka-san’s dormitory

 **Commentary:** Perhaps one of the most naive people I have had the pleasure of meeting, but Gokuhara’s innate kindness towards all is undeniable. I am grateful that Hoshi takes the time to look out for his partner.

Admittedly, Gokuhara would be placed higher than Hoshi, however his penchant for unfortunately having his naive nature taken advantage of by Ouma or Yonaga frequently for their mischievous purposes makes him a bit more worrisome at times. Not to mention his significant strength, which more often than not, inadvertently may put one of his peers in temporary danger.

* * *

**Problem: Gokuhara appears to have lost one of his “bug friends,” as they have escaped their enclosure.**

**Do:** Equip yourself with the appropriate equipment used to re-capture the insect and accompany Gokuhara around the premises; it is also worth checking that Kameko, Fukawa-san’s pet stinkbug, has also not gotten lost in the mix. 

**Do Not:** Please ensure that Gokuhara does not accidentally mistake Shinguji for a cicada and swing his net at him. While I have queries about why the Ultimate Anthropologist has chosen to “channel the energy of a cicada” by mimicking its noises and embracing a tree, there are more important considerations to be taken, as the delicate nature of Gokuhara’s insects may result in their untimely demise. For that matter, it would behoove you to clarify that one of the newest school mascots is not a beetle, as there was once a mishap that involved rope, several cans of oil, and a tree in Gokuhara’s Talent Lab.

**Problem: Shinguji and Gokuhara appear to have miraculously gotten their hair tied together into a knot… yet again. As always, Shinguji will refuse to cut his for unspecified reasons, leaving Gokuhara as the one to determine when the two will be released.**

**Do:** Offer to carefully cut the hair with precision, although more often than not, your offer will be declined. If Gokuhara complies, your job has been made _infinitely_ easier. 

**Consider:** Due to a rather unfortunate miscommunication, the previous time this occurred, Gokuhara happened to be… housing a few of his “friends” in his hair in preparation for their hatching. Naturally, it was a surprise to the entire dormitory when a very loud, ear-piercing shriek awoke us at five in the morning. As it turns out, the silk worms had hatched overnight, and upon entering the room, we saw Shinguji in a corner of the bed, the larvae crawling on him. Please be mindful to check with the entomologist should they need to retire for the evening together.

 **Do Not:** I highly discourage against allowing Fukawa-san near the premises. It is not so much that one would take offense to the Ultimate Writing Prodigy’s presence, but rather her alter ego, who is infamous for wielding scissors for less-than-savory purposes. Or Iruma, for the matter, who has offered numerous times to test out her newest inventions on the two… take care to avoid potential collateral damage.

**Problem: One of my** **_actual_ ** **children appears to have found their way into Gokuhara’s Talent Lab. Given that they are carnivorous, this is a significant issue.**

 **Do:** Retrieve the jumping spider and allow it to return to its _rightful home_ in the academy. However, if it appears to be one of the more stubborn ones such as Ichiro, you may allow him to reside with you for the remainder of the day, hidden from sight in your skirts. Along with his other siblings, for the matter. Tread carefully, as Gokuhara has incredibly sharp vision, and entering his lab with an arachnid may not bode well, even if he is an entomologist— take care to feed your children out of sight, preferably where they reside.

 **Do Not:** Leave the opportunity up to chance or allow someone to use bug spray in the vicinity, namely some of our more rash, easily startled peers. Not only will this harm Gokuhara’s insects, these chemical sprays are designated for insects, and not arachnids. As such, depending on the composition and size of the spider, this may result in a slow, agonizing death for an organism that ultimately benefits us greatly. This simply will not do, not only for my own sake, but because ever the pacifist, Gokuhara would not want another organism to be harmed at the cost of his friends.

**Problem: As many of our doorways are not designed for those who are over 6’3, Gokuhara has hit his head numerous times, and the “violin spiders’” penchant for mischief does not help the circumstances, as he has fallen victim to tape placed in the doorway as well, breaking his glasses.**

**Do:** Kindly remove the tape from the doorway. I assume you will make it a good habit to arrive at homeroom early every day; this will come in useful to monitor the arrival of students and prevent any traps from being activated, whether they be set the evening before or prior to class. At the very least, Hoshi has gifted Gokuhara a pair of sturdier frames for his most recent birthday, technology courtesy of Iruma and Souda. I recall that they were both threatened into not making any inappropriate additions to the frames, such as “X-ray vision, but like, only through your fuckin’ clothes.”

 **Do Not:** Do not allow Gokuhara to chase Ouma or Yonaga for a game of “tag,” as this particular trick has been played before, yet the entomologist manages to forgive them. How, I am not sure, as many a pair of glasses have been broken. 

As likeable as the entomologist is, he is unfortunately easily manipulated or roped into the schemes of others in the academy. The following are regular issues I face involving Gokuhara.

**Problem:** **Various strange totem-person-shaped holes in the wall appear to have been left in the academy, and several classmates have reported hearing the phrase “Gonta smash,” or dare I even say, “Oh yeah,” while somehow dressing up as the “Cold-Aid Man.”**

 **Do:** Undoubtedly, Ouma and Yonaga appear to be behind this and either have convinced or coerced Shirogane to aid them, based on the costume’s stitches. I noticed the holes in the wall appear to have had a tall peak where Gokuhara’s head would typically be located, further indicating there were two students riding on Gokuhara’s shoulders. I do not condone damage to the academy, but you may consider at least warning the two to wear helmets should they so desire to charge through walls. How they have not suffered permanent brain damage, I am unsure, but I am also familiar with Tsumiki and Kimura-san’s proficiency in the hospital.

 **Do Not:** Let Yonaga pass off the damage as modern takes on ancient totems in negative space, as I also noticed each of the holes had varying arm placement reminiscent of the totems found in her Talent Lab. I also warn against this, as Shinguji can and will attempt to analyze them through an anthropological lens, making clean-up significantly difficult for you and Yukizome-san.

**Problem: I have received numerous complaints about Gokuhara wearing various revealing outfits while looking very confused. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that the Anime Club was behind this, as they have taken to requesting him to pose dramatically while dubbing him “GoGo.”**

**Do:** Please attempt to explain to the enthusiastic members of the club that while having this… convenient opportunity is exciting, to preserve the sanity of the staff and uphold the already-strained welfare of our classmates, that these activities should be, at best, reserved for club events. Headmaster Kirigiri nearly had a heart attack for the brief second he saw Gokuhara. While this does not sound nearly as terrible as it seems, I believe a single addition to my statement will change your opinion: “unfortunately timed wind.” I, for one, would prefer to avoid such an unfortunate mishap again. 

**Do Not:** Allow Nidai-san to encourage the behavior by striking a similar pose. I do not know how it was done, but a sudden tremor shook the academy, while Hifumi-san whispered what I assume to be a script, as Nidai-san uttered the phrase “Oh? You’re approaching me?” To make matters worse, a steam roller suddenly fell from the sky between the two students— I have my suspicions that Komaeda-san was involved in this as well, given his penchant for suddenly causing walls to crumble and buildings to explode. 

**Problem: Ever the enthusiast, Gokuhara once in a while will lock students in his Talent Lab for a spontaneous “Insect Meet-And-Greet” while lecturing the audience on misconceptions between it and any similar insects.**

**Do:** I can understand the excitement of Gokuhara when he acquires a new insect, but it is rather unbecoming for a student of Hope’s Peak Academy to lock his peers inside while swarms of insects fly around the room. Fortunately, over time, he has improved, making the effort to notify classmates ahead of time, and thankfully does not release his “friends” at once; the last “meet and greet” that occurred was significantly more controlled than the first attempt. A gentle reminder that it is impolite for a gentleman to lock the door did the trick nicely.

 **Consider:** Having Chabashira to pull Yumeno out of the room, as she has been known to fall asleep even here, and woke up to find butterflies covering her being. Hoshi is also a valuable ally with his Shukuchi step, and can also clear the room efficiently, assuming Gokuhara has not somehow cornered him with what some may refer to as “puppy eyes” and cause him to relent.

 **Do Not:** Allow panic to set in, as this will inflame the volatile situation. Ensure that students who are uncomfortable with them (arguably most of Class 79, Shinguji especially) remain calm and/or silent so as to not antagonize either Gokuhara or a swarm of insects. Unfortunately, in the anthropologist’s case, this may mean quietly curling up into a ball, reminiscent of a pillbug, and rocking back and forth, but until you are able to safely evacuate the others, that will have to do. At the very least pick him up first as you make for your exit to safety.

**Problem: Gokuhara and Tanaka-san appear to have gone missing for extended periods of time during one of our “power outages.”**

**Do:** Find the closest “uncovered window” and check the horizons. You will understand what I am referring to shortly below.

 **Do Not:** As much as it pains me, please do not let Tanaka-san encourage Gokuhara to wreak havoc on the school as a fellow “beastspeaker” and “colossus of the gods” on his “calamitous quest for coochie.” Once, the whole academy was once woken up by loud screaming of “the next ten plagues of Japan.” Not only did this factual inaccuracy cause Shinguji to lecture everyone in the vicinity of the history and theories behind the ten plagues of Egypt— which ordinarily I would not be opposed to listening to had I the time to humor him— but more importantly, because what we thought was a power outage, was the sheer masses of Gokuhara’s insects covering the windows and nearly drenching the skies. Nevermind-san was able to point out mysterious lightning and clouds that circled a peak in one of the academy’s parks, and I was just barely able to make out two figures standing atop of it, one of them laughing maniacally, which I assume was Tanaka-san. Somehow, there was no device needed to amplify his voice, nor was there wind that day to cause his scarf to move. 

* * *

I suppose Gokuhara's reputation as a _capable_ gentle giant earns him the label of _Theraphosa blondi._ At first glance, many would assume he would be brash and aggressive, but as Shinguji has mentioned, do take care not to judge a book by its cover. Speaking of which, he has recently messaged me a screenshot of a conversation involving Gokuhara... pardon the crass nickname Ouma has bestowed upon my significant other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No surprise here! You readers are sharp, but then again, looking up T. blondi was a pretty good indicator of who it was. Congratulations, HarunP, Beep boop, suchoripterus, and any others I might have missed that guessed Gonta for T. blondi. Also, to Mysterions_Marshadow, I think you’ll find the fact that “Korekiyo’s Epic Quest For Pussy” has a sequel interesting! Gundham’s Calamitous Coochie! You’ve always been sharp with the anthology references. Can any of you catch the references hidden in this chapter? 
> 
> Theraphosa blondi, also known as the goliath birdeater, is the largest spider in the world. Fitting for our favorite big friendly giant, yes? Despite its name, T. blondi rarely feeds on birds, and prefers worms, arthropods, and small amphibians at best, so it ties into how intimidating Gonta appears to be, but he’s a sweetheart. 
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me, we’ve finally finished one of the sections! It might be of interest that there will be a spin off/same universe fic I’m coming up with for my HPA AU that will reference the guide, so stick around and see what kind of mishaps Class 79 gets up to. 
> 
> One parting hint/teaser: “Until next chapter, pardner!” 
> 
> And yes, I have a running headcanon that Kirumi is mother to many small jumping spiders that will make recurring appearances in other chapters and other fics in this HPA AU. Anyone have guesses on where they actually live?

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy the references I've scattered throughout. Each student's guide picture is either one or two-three memes combined... can you guess them?
> 
> Thank you for your support. 
> 
> All my love, Delta.


End file.
